well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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