I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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