just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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