Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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