Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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