THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Semen is not good for contacts.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
