Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I supernannyed him into submission
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
