I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
