Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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