Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
