Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
