So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
