i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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