Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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