And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
