I want to walk on stilts...naked
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
