Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
