She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
