The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
