Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
