How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
