between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you had me at cake vodka
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
