can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
