I cannot find my penis.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
