And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
