I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
