i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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