Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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