we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
