maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
