just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
