I love black thongs
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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