I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
