You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
