Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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