Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
