I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
