Jerry, you need to find god
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
