I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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