I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
