I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
