I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
