He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
