Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
