best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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