Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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