nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
