Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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