I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Randomize
