I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
