Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
