you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
